The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.