The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Good morning, Twitter x
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans