The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
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Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
😂💯
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.