The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
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My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I鈥檝e ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What鈥檚 wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain鈥檛 know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 馃槶馃槶
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn鈥檛 forget.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn鈥檛 wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I鈥檓 53 years old unless I鈥檓 driving at night in the rain. Then I鈥檓 107.
I don鈥檛 use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
It takes an entire village鈥檚 whiskey to raise a child
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps