Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.