the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
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Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Happy Friday
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.