the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.