The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
As per my previous tablet…
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”