Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Otters drive ottermobiles.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

True

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.