The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
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(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
won’t smith
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
i just found this in my phone
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.