The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
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Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
Good advice.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Meat Cute
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.