The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills