The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I need to sieze this.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!