The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Challenge accepted.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Talk about a bad egg
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes