The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“That’s what” – She
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
