The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If looks could kill
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.