The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.