The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My age is news to me every single time I remember
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.