The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
You Might Also Like
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Good morning
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
my nickname in college
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
never ask a starfish for directions
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great