The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Well, this explains it:
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys