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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.