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Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?