Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

but that was my emotional support daylight

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall