Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

This kid is going places

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Its true…