A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what