The Assassin.
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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.