The Assassin.
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.