The asteroid..
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I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?