The asteroid..
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timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane