Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy