The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.