The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
A French press is when you hug naked
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.