Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

blocked.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10