Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

May never get over this

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

when someone compliments me

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific