THE AUDACITY. 😤
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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
sailors wish they could swear like me
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
thank god the sign was there
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma