THE AUDACITY. 😤
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7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
12653.
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
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There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes![]()
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!