THE AUDACITY. 😤
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I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
this site is so cooked lol
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.