Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.