The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
wtf is a larm clock?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.