The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”