the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on