the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?