Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

this is the news I live for

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you