Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

I’d … I’d rather not.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

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5 ways to appear taller

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.