Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

this is so top tier i cant

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

The cycle continues

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!