THE AUDACITY. 😤
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You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
I don’t think my car can fly
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.