“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen