“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
tis the season
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.