“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
stop
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
In case you needed to hear it:
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.