“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*