The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
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Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.