The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.