Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Is this you?

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day