The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
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What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.