Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

i love modern commerce

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

Hang in there buddy

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.