The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”