The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
this has done me in for some reason
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
no refunds
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong