the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My recliner and I go way back
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Writing, She Murdered.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time