the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.