the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”