the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Rambo Rambow
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.