The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
You Might Also Like
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Not my job 😂
motivation
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“and how does that make you feel?”
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.