The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Voting is the worst group project
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Catercrombie & Fish
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Go hard or stay average
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them