The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
