The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.