Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

thanksgiving should be called feaster

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?