the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
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My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.