Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.