the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
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In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.