The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?