Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

asked my bf how work was today

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.