Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.