The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Never forget.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of